I feel some novelty in my 80th year, a numerical milestone. How to fill up my day is another matter. My periodic squawk. One of my neighbors, in his 80’s use to spend his time washing his cadillac and hitting golf balls. My neighbor was a bean counter for GM and has an MBA from University of MIchigan. Once retired he had no beans to count and spent his time washing his cadillac. Somehow this always struck me as strange - but then there is something inherently aimless in being 80. My philosophic leaning has always been away from involvement, except for a period in my 30’s when I felt keenly about thing political, but now less so, wars and divorces have tempered my taste for blood sports. It seems appropriate that my view should be retrospect - re-examining where I have been, what I have done, and the new synthesis in my understanding. I have to work not to invest too much energy or concern in pointing to the repetitive mistakes our society makes; others are enthusiastic in this regard. I have made enough of my own to keep me busy for a while.
A summing up, it seems to me should be my recapitulation - an examination of how I have reasoned, arrived at decisions good and bad - not wisdom for the ages - just me knowing me better and hopefully finding some comfort in that - no cadillac to wash.
I hope as I write to find valid criticism in understanding. Cutting through the projections and distortions that have influenced my perception of reality.
In my 20’s my favorite tune was “Skylark” a musical representation of my loneliness and yearning, looking for an idealistic love - feeling quite poetic about my self and my quest. I also dabbled a bit in eastern attitudes, searching for understanding, at least, even then, vaguely aware that it would never be easy, and wanting to understand with more insight carried a price of pain and disappointment. My desires structured fantasies which became projections.
Zen suggested an exercise involving picking up an object, say a cup. Holding the cup you were instructed to put it down once you mentally formed the word “cup” in your mind. The object of this exercise was to hold the cup for as long as possible without mentally forming the word “cup.” It finally came to me that two things were operating; firstly, that we have a necessity to think about things by categories, that by categorizing objects and transactions we are more enabled to deal with them. The downside of this is that by seeing a thing as part of a category, we fail to see the thing as something unique, different, individual - that the word has become a filter to our ability to perceive the ultimate unique reality. Without categorization of things we could not function.
Other impediments we create for ourselves; preconceptions, bias and the uncritical acceptance of misinformation further distracts how we perceive reality. A projection of our needs create a filter of urgency, addition distortion. Of late I find that the Buddhist concepts of non-attachment have helped me to find a comfort in “letting go” - wanting less; especially wanting things, and this in turn, seems to reduce the amount of filtering I do. Wanting, creates distortions of priority and perception - fewer demands comforting. But then, without a Cadillac to wash one must find some level of involvement in something.
I have never been terribly good at making friends, or at least sustaining relationships. Over the years I constructed many excuses or explanation for this failing - but in the final analysis it is my failing. Sometimes it’s because of a lack of shared interests,unwillingness to risk, the few friendships I considered long lasting have ended by friends predeceasing me. Those few who survive are distant, engaged, perhaps too much time past. Mostly the mistakes were mine, but now I just want to understand my shortfall not assign responsibility.
So I will continue to pursue insights, to understand the world is an independent reality, not a construction of solutions to my needs, an edifice of my projections. And, of course, pick such additional fights as may, from time to time, strike my fancy or my funny bone.
Most recently, in reviewing priorties, the lyrics of an old song have been calling for attention, a Nat Kng Cole from the late 40’s called “Nature Boy.” Considered trite then, its compelling wisdom persuades me in my 80th year ;
“The greatest thing
You’ll ever learn
is just to love
and be loved
in return”
All the rest is just washing cadillacs.